How Do You Have Phone Sex? Tips for Mastering the Art

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So you have mastered the art of taking nudes and sexting. Ordinarily, the next step might be an actual date or a steamy hookup, but such in-person dalliances are off the table right now. Luckily, we still have the next best thing, phone sex.

Now you might be wondering, How do you have phone sex? How do you move from saying sexy things over text to saying sexy things aloud? How do you turn a solo activity into one that involves another person? And what happens when you do?

Before you overthink, know that phone sex can seem intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. And, if all goes well, you might even have a great orgasm. Keep reading to learn everything you need to know about how to have phone sex. 


Phone Sex Preparation

Dress the Part

Before we get started, think about your setting. Dressing up for your phone-sex session can help you get in the mood and improve your confidence. Even though your partner can’t see you, it helps you get in the mood for the sexy talk ahead. 

Take the time to put on something that puts you in the mind-set for what’s to come. This can mean slipping into your most sultry pair of underwear or getting extra comfortable in sweats. It’s up to you and what makes things right in your mind.

Get Into the Mindset 

The key to good phone sex is an open mind grounded in fantasy. You can talk about things you’ve been dreaming about, because hey, you’re just talking, right? 

Staying relaxed is also important: It’s normal to be nervous about trying anything new. Try to remember the person on the other end of the line definitely wants to hear what you have to say.


How to Initiate Phone Sex

So, how do you start phone sex? There are some subtle (and not so subtle) ways to start phone sex with your partner. 

Gauging Your Partner’s Interest 

Sending nudes, sexting, and flirting over text are all good ways to gauge your partner’s interest in phone sex and prepping you both for what’s ahead. These things act kind of like foreplay, in that you’re not going from zero to 100. 

After setting the stage with a sexy text or photo, you can directly ask them if they’d be interested in having phone sex.

Make it Spontaneous 

Or, if you want to make it more spontaneous instead of directly asking them, you could always start by calling them and taking things from there. You can steer the conversation toward phone sex by first asking about their surroundings (“Where are you right now?”). That way, you can also confirm that it’s a good time for them to talk. 

Then, you can adjust the conversation by asking questions about how they look and feel (“What are you wearing?” “Are you in bed right now?” “I wish I was there with you,” etc.) So much of phone sex is describing things, so starting out simply is a good way to begin.


What to Say During Phone Sex

Now, for the part you’ve been overthinking most. What do I say? 

First and foremost, you don’t have to adopt some kind of alternate “sex personality” to have phone sex. You can — phone sex is a good way to play with sex, shame, and kink in a way that is very safe and fun — but there’s no pressure to change the usual sexual dynamic you have with your partner. 

For instance, if you tend to be more submissive, you can ask them to give you instructions, or vice versa if you’re usually dominant. If you have a more romantic rapport, you don’t need to start talking super dirty if you’re not into it.

Describe Everything in Detail

The best phone sex is all about descriptions. Start talking about what you’re wearing, what you look like, what you smell like, and exactly how you’re touching yourself. Be detailed about it and really get into the moment: 

Once you’ve begun, there’s no need to be shy. Be as vocal as you want to be. No one can see or hear you other than your partner. This is all about the two of you.

Describe a Memory

If describing how you feel now doesn’t feel like enough material, defer to your memories for more phone sex ideas. If you’re comfortable, talk about a time you had sex with your partner if you have any memories together. Describe in detail what you did, as if they were in the room watching. If that feels good, you can move into what-ifs (“What if I had done [X]?” “What would you have done if I did [X]?” “Next time I want to do [X]”). Get creative! 

Dip Into Your Fantasy Bank 

Speaking of what-ifs, dirty talk on the phone is also a wonderful time to break out the fantasy bank. You can describe stuff that turns you on, but that maybe you wouldn’t want to do in real life.

One idea is public sex, like in a park or a library. Or sex in a car, an airplane, or a fancy-restaurant bathroom. You could also describe sexual scenarios, like role play, group sex, or BDSM. Whatever turns you on. 

Give Instructions

Or, you can ask your partner to tell you what to do. Dictating how, where, and when they can touch themselves is a sexy way to make things interactive for both of you. It also helps with the flow of the conversation and introduces a dominant/submissive dynamic that can be fun for both of you.


Still Struggling?

Some people will find themselves unable to participate in dirty talk or phone sex, period, and that’s okay. But, if you’re really into trying phone sex, there are easier ways to get into it that don’t involve writing poetry about your genitals.

It’s also important to remember practice makes perfect when it comes to talking dirty over the phone (and in general)! 

Write a Script

If you struggle with thinking of things to say during phone sex in the heat of the moment, you might consider writing a “script” or some guidelines. Some of us are just better at writing our thoughts than speaking the right words in the moment, so use that to your advantage! 

You obviously won’t follow this script word-by-word, but it can help you remember a few things you wanted to say. This can be based on the guidelines in the next few sections. If you don’t know what to write, look up some phone sex scripts (just use them for inspiration – don’t awkwardly follow them). 

Just Ask Them to Listen

Maybe you’re not ready to talk just yet but still want to try phone sex. If you’re really into trying this with your partner, ask if they would like to listen to you masturbate.

This is a great way to introduce your partner to the sensuality phone sex can bring to a relationship, without the pressure of performance on your end or their end.

Defer to Your Partner Completely

Hand things over to them. Ask them what they want to do! Sometimes, all it takes is a little push in the right direction to get your creative (and other) juices flowing.

Read Them an Erotic Story

Why not read your partner your favorite sexy story written by someone else to get the sexual energy flowing?

You can find your favorite story around a fantasy you have, or maybe even write your partner an erotic story beforehand. This can make both of you super horny, which could make it easier to find your own words. 

Switch to Video Chat Sex

If you’re comfortable, it might be easier to find words to say if you can visually see your partner pleasuring themselves. Facetime sex can be much sexier than just phone sex! 

Don’t Push Yourself

The end goal of sex on the phone is getting off (for everyone involved), but it’s also important to know your boundaries and feeling comfortable stating them with your partner.

For instance, if you’re describing fantasies that you wouldn’t be comfortable with in real life, you should be clear to your partner that they’re for phone sex only. 

What if, all of a sudden, your partner starts saying things that make you uncomfortable or calling you names you don’t like? If you still want to move forward, be clear about it without shutting things down: “It’s important for both parties to understand that it’s okay to call a ‘detour’ (detour is a word that can keep things moving, as opposed to stop).

Agree that either can say, ‘Not working, let’s detour to you describing going down on me.’ In this, both parties recognize that turn-ons aren’t necessarily personality defects.”

And if you feel like things are going too far or your partner won’t stop doing something after you’ve asked them to, you can always do what you can’t in real life – hang up. Like any type of intimacy, you should make sure that the phone sex is consensual and you feel safe and trust your partner.


Final Phone Sex Tips

How to Speak

You’re not giving a work presentation or trying to deliver information, so there’s really no need to speak loudly or quickly. If it feels natural to you, drop the level of your voice and speak more slowly.

The sound of breathing —not necessarily heavy, but noticeable —can be very erotic and make it clear to your partner that you’re turned on.

Use Sexy Language

Calling your bits and pieces by their scientific name is all well and good, but let’s get real: It isn’t very sexy. There’s nothing wrong with dirty talk during phone sex.

Involve Toys

Use a toy on yourself while you’re talking. Even consider putting it near the phone, so your partner can hear exactly what you’re using. Or, you can splurge on a remote controllable vibrator that your lover can control from wherever they are.

Don’t Be Afraid to Laugh

Sex can be awkward, especially on the phone. There is no formal guide when it comes to how to have good phone sex. Being silly with one another is a sure sign of good chemistry, so let it flow. You can always bring it back around to the naughty bits once you’ve let out the guffaws.

Don’t Be Afraid of Silence

It’s okay to lapse into silence. You can redirect the conversation just like you would any regular one: “You were talking about [X] earlier,” “Tell me more about what you’d do if I did [X],” etc.


Phone Sex, Summed Up

The bottom line of any good phone-sex session is an open mind and going in without expectations. You may have the hottest, sexiest experience ever! Or, you and your partner may end up in tears of laughter. Either way, you’ve communicated and tried something new together and figured out if it’s a situation you want to try again or pass on.