Not reaching orgasm isn’t a fun thing, unless it’s intentional and happens by consent during an intentional ruined orgasm BDSM session.
A ruined orgasm is a type of BDSM play where a person’s genitals are stimulated to the brink of orgasm, then the stimulation suddenly stops.
At this point, one of two things will happen—either no orgasm occurs, or, a much weaker than usual orgasm occurs that would have been stronger had the stimulation continued. This can be practiced on both men and women.
Tips for Practicing This Kink
If a ruined orgasm sounds like a kink you’re interested in trying, here are some tips to get started.
- Have a conversation with your partner to see if they are interested in practicing this kink with you.
- As with any BDSM and kink play, pick a safe word that both you and your partner know. “Red” or another color is common, but you can pick any word you’d like as long as both partners will remember it.
- Get your partner (or have them get you) hot and bothered. Tease them and start whatever stimulation you’d like. You can engage in any type of sex, as long as you make sure to stop abruptly right when they’re about to orgasm. This might require a little practice and will definitely require communication to ensure the timing is right.
- When done right, a ruined orgasm will either result in a significantly weaker orgasm or no orgasm at all.
Ruined Orgasm vs. Edging?
Some people compare the ruined orgasm kink with edging, but they’re actually a lot different.
Edging is practiced more often during masturbation and involves stopping stimulation just before orgasm, then starting up again and eventually allowing the orgasm. This results in a more powerful orgasm.
On the other hand, a ruined orgasm results in a weaker orgasm or no orgasm at all – it’s more about control.
How to Avoid a Ruined Orgasm
If you’re not intending to have a ruined orgasm, but it seems to be happening, you probably want to fix this issue quick.
If it happens because your partner stops stimulation just before you climax, you’ll want to have a conversation with your partner. Let them know about the type of stimulation you need in order to orgasm and be sure to verbally express what you’re feeling during the course of play.
But what if it’s your mind that’s causing the trouble? Things like stress, anxiety, and shame can all come into play and stop you from climaxing the way you should. It can also be an emotional response.
In this case, try activities that don’t necessarily result in an orgasm, and build your way up. Sensate exercises (ones that require physical touch, but aren’t necessarily sexual) teach you to be in your body fully, without the stress of orgasm as an end result.
Kissing and touching yourself (or having your partner) do it not only helps build pleasure, but it can also teach you new places on your body that bring you good feelings.
If it’s your inner thoughts causing the trouble, it’s time to sit down with yourself and analyze where they come from and how to get past them. Is it societal? Have you experienced trauma? Regardless of the reason, coming to terms with it will help you get out of your head and into your body.
When physical issues are in play, it may be helpful to reach out to a pelvic floor therapist who can teach you exercises to combat the tension and possibly pain you experience when trying to orgasm. Talk with your doctor about what you’re dealing with and go from there.
Having an orgasm with a partner can be hard for women, so consider incorporating some sex toys for couples to make it easier.